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Jokes

Do you have any jokes you wish to share?

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Philosophy

I am always looking for an opportunity to share these. My communications professor told them to us, and then claimed I was a little strange for liking them so much. :)
*****************************************
Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer.
About half an hour later the bartender comes over and says,
“Another beer, Mr. Descartes?”
The scientist/philosopher replies,
“I think not” and vanishes forever.
**************************

Did you hear about the cowboy who tried to teach his horse philosophy?
He learned you can’t put Descartes before the horse.

Horse jokes

The second one reminds me of another one:

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

none that are fit for human consumption...

My jokes have already condemned me to hell.

Joke from an old movie

This is an exchange from an old, late 80s, children's film.[1] In the late 80s there were only 2 companies that provided landlines in most of the UK: British Telecom and Mercury.

[The teenage daughter of a rich family is arguing with her father]

Daughter: Why won't you let me have a phone in my bedroom?

Father: Because if I did, the BT share price would double overnight!

[1] The film was about a group of teenagers (from various walks of life) who fought crime together.

Two genie jokes and another

Key:
[b] Think I saw on a birthday card
[o] Think I saw online somewhere

[b]A secretary, a salesman and their manager are on a lunch break. They find an old lamp in an office. They rub a bit of the dirt away to see more of it. A genie appears and announces, "Normally, I give a person 3 wishes but, as there're 3 of you, I'll give you 1 each."

The secretary says, "Me first! I want to be at home with enough money to never work again."

The genie snaps his fingers and she disappears.

The salesman asks to be next, "I want to be on a desert island with all the islanders as my servants."

The genie snaps his fingers and he disappears. The genie then turns to their manager and asks what he wants.

"I want those two back by the end of their lunch break."

[o]A modern day cowboy has got lost in the desert. He's run out of water and is dying. In his search for water he finds a briefcase from the IRS. He picks it up and a smartly dressed genie appears. She offers him 3 wishes.

"You think I'm going to trust an IRS genie?" he asked.

"Well, you don't have to but, as you're a gonner, anyway, what have you got to lose?"

He thinks it over and then decides that it couldn't get worse.

"I want a mansion."

Ping, a mansion appears.

"I want lots of money."

Ping, stacks of money appear. The genie then speaks again, "You've only got 1 wish left so make it a good one."

He thinks for a while then says, "Everywhere I go, I want women to want and need me."

Ping, he gets turned into a tampon.

This is one that a teacher in my secondary school told us:

An anthropologist is going to study a remote tribe. As he doesn't know the area well so he hires a guide. He and the guide set out in a boat.

They approach the area of the tribe and all of a sudden the river is alive with the sound of drumming. Wondering whether the drums were a prelude to war, the anthropologist looks to his guide for advice. The guide said, "Drums good. As long as there is drumming nothing untoward will happen. When drums stop, worry."

They continued paddling up the river. Hours pass by and the anthropologist is getting used to hearing the drums.

All of a sudden there is silence. The guide lies in the boat, his hands over his ears with his eyes wide in terror. Fearfully, the anthropologist pries one of the guide's hands from his ears to ask him what happens now.

The guide replies, "Guitar solo!"

Haha!

I really like the second one. Maybe because I'm a woman!

Fun jokes.

Very cool!

I liked the last one best. But, as today is my day off, I've been listening to lots of very bad music so maybe that's why? :P

Responses

I'm glad you both liked them.

you must have gone to read

you must have gone to read hilarious funny quotes and funny jokes.

Writing

Here's one I received in an e-mail:

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages

Hehehe

Well, that in fact could be true :)

mjkj

One day my

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."
And they say blondes are dumb...

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